Timmy Ray

You Can Sleep When You Are Dead

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This has to be the gayest coffee commercial ever produced. I'm switching to Folgers immediately.

This Butt's For You

Remember: practice makes perfect, kids! (NSFWUYHTBIADOOMSS*)

*Not safe for work unless you happen to be in a doctor's office or medical supply store

I'm Dreaming of a Blood Red Christmas

"What kind of a world is this that we live in?"  Memo to Santa: when you come down the chimney, do not get blood on my new carpet. Thanks and happy holidays!

Calling All Girly Men

Tip of the Day: For the best workout, there's no greater motivator than taking instructions from Ahhhnold with the dance floor classic "It's Raining Men" in the background. Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Down! Hallelujah! (via We Make Money Not Art)

Something Stinks About the Whole Thing

A dozen newspapers pulled or edited today's Doonesbury as Karl Rove is referred to as a "turd blossom" in the strip. In related news, the National Association of Turd Blossoms has demanded an immediate apology from cartoonist Gary Trudeau for being compared to the controversial Presidential aide.

Romancing the Stone

Joan Collins wants her dildo back.

Behind the Music

Worst album covers...evah. Memo to The Ritchie Family: Who would have guessed that the S&M leather queen look wouldn't take off? And it's just a hunch, but I think your boyfriends might be gay.

Kenyan, in love with Chelsea Clinton, will offer former President 20 head of cattle and 40 goats for his daughter's hand in marriage. If that negotiation fails, he may settle for Monica Lewinsky providing a dowry of a single donkey and a pack of Wrigley's chewing gum.

The Fab Four

The Golden Girls showcase their not-so-golden voices. If you play track three backwards, you can clearly hear Dorothy say, "Rose is dead." Very creepy.

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

Embrace your inner Pee Wee today. Just don't go near any adult movie theaters. They're nothing but trouble.

Saving All My Crack for You

fourfour chronicles the hilarious, albeit tragic downfall of America's favorite cracked-out songstress via a multitude of music video screencaps. This girl almost had it all. Then Miss Houston met Mr. Brown. I believe Bobby first appeared in Whitney's life after falling in her glass of gin at a pre-Grammy Awards cocktail reception. Fortunately for us, it's all caught on film. The rest, as they say, is history. Enjoy.

Laugh and the World Laughs at You

I love me some gratuitous and mean-spirited George W. Bush jokes. Don't you?

Speaking in Code

That's 19th century telegraphic for "I'll be back on Monday." See ya soon!

P.S. Consider today's random posts a premature ejaculation. Thanks.

Sing When You're Waxing

I'm not a proponent of waxing for men—but in Robbie Williams' case, I would say it's rather becoming.

In Search of Weiners

The Phallic Logo Awards challenges readers to send in logos from around the world that most closely resemble a "big spurting penis."  And who among us doesn't love a big spurting penis?

Robot on 'Roids

The robot bodybuilder—an essential item in every gay household by 2025. Warning: does not do windows or twinks.

It's In the Cards!

My dream job would involve coming up with unusual cards like these from Seattle artist Francesca Berrini, while sipping a fancy cocktail and being fanned by a naked Brent Van Zandt. Unfortunately the executive recruiter said these positions are few and far between. So very sad.

It's Not the Size of the Stick...

Radar asks its readers to vote for who has the bigger light saber—Hayden or Ewan. More importantly, I want to know which one will last longer in battle.

Everything New is Old Again

Worth1000 challenges its readers to take 21st century products and put a vintage spin on them or vice versa. This is an iPod worthy of James Dean.

The Seven Deadly—and Tasty—Sins

The seven deadly sins illustrated via my favorite snack—gummie bears. Brilliant!

Blessed Are the Bodybuilders...

...for they shall inherit the gym. Were protein shakes served at the Last Supper? This stunning work of art is priced to sell for a heavenly $9,500. In related news, author Anne Rice takes on Jesus as the subject of her next book, Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt.

Barbie Dream Drive

For the gay, Barbie-loving techno-geek—all three of you: the Barbie USB Drive. (via Gizmodo)

Enjoy this excruciatingly painful montage of Rosie O'Donnell's finest moments from Riding the Bus With My Sister. I smell an Emmy...or maybe that's just my lunch.

It's definitely my lunch.

Celebrate No Pants Day!

It isn't easy being proud of hailing from Texas these days—but No Pants Day reassures me that the Lone Star State is not all bad. P.S. Take your pants off now!

Dubya Remix

This inspired remix of "Imagine" and "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" as sung by President George W. Bush is no doubt a future chart topper...in Outer Mongolia. (P.S. Admit it—you're impressed by my mad Photoshop skillz!)

Pulp Fiction

Judge a Book...By Its Cover showcases classic pulp novels and their over-the-top subjects: perverted homosexuals! killer clowns! mutant rodents! Satanic sex kittens! But my absolute favorite cover is the uber-hetero Mile-High Escapades of the Stewardess with the Moustache! (via Blography)

Soul Searching

Dionne Warwick's Cosmic Peephole gazes into your very soul and reveals the painful truth. Enter if you dare! (via Boing Boing)

Don't Rain on My Parade

Is it just me, or does Bill Gates look like he's about to break into a show tune in this photo?

Buckle Up

It's the gay fashion accessory of 2005—the LED scrolling belt buckle! Throw away the color-coded hankies of yesteryear, and let the boys in the bar know the 21st century way that you're an aggressive pig bottom who loves to suck toes. This high-tech buckle holds up to six unique messages and is yours for only $28.99, plus shipping and handling. HOT!

I F*cked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard. A fabulous work of fiction(?) that will warm the cockles of your homo heart. (SFW)

Too Close for Comfort

From the front page of yesterday's Dallas Morning News. God bless the editor who laid out these articles. (via Metafilter via The Agitator)

The ever venerable Weekly World News reveals "how to tell if a guy is good in bed before you hop in the sack." I'm not quite sure I'll be following any of this advice. A sample tip: "Look for square palms and plenty of hair on the back of your guy's hands. Scientists say this means he's probably descended from the ancient Neanderthals and will be a tireless animal in [bed]."

Checking Out The Angry Inch

                      Details magazine's weekly staff meeting

Gawker is holding a "Beat This Caption" contest for this scandalous photo from John Cameron Mitchell's birthday party last night. If you can channel your inner Oscar Wilde and come up with something especially witty, you could win two tickets to see a band so cutting edge that no one has ever heard of them.

Update: The winner revealed—360 Degrees With Anderson Cooper

That '70s Site

Embrace the decade that spawned platform shoes, disco music and Erik Estrada at Seventies Design.

Around the world, Asians rejoice! A new study from Hong Kong indicates that Chinese men measure up to others below the belt. The director of the study said, "Our conclusion is that Hong Kong people are no smaller than Western men, where their penises are concerned." The average length of their flaccid members was 3.33 inches, which compared favorably to Germans (3.4 inches), Israelis (3.27 inches), Turks (3.07 inches), Filipinos (2.89 inches), Italians (3.54 inches) and Americans (3.46 inches). Unfortunately the survey did not measure the penises when erect. So very sad. Maybe next time?

Goal!

Now this is the proper way to play soccer.

Truth in Advertising

McDonald's popular "I'm lovin' it" campaign gets a slap in the face with some McHarsh Reality.

Lost in Translation

Something Awful's latest "Comedy Goldmine" poses the question "What if the Japanese got their hands on well-known American movies, TV shows, books, etc.?" Terrible translations and hilarity ensue.

Love letter to Condi: a musical tribute to the sexy Secretary of State.

The Onion provides important tips on preparing a living will: "Specify which flavor of feeding-tube nutrient you prefer. Otherwise, you may get stuck with cream of mushroom day in and day out."

I'm Clogging As Fast As I Can

The three things that guarantee a good time: Anna Nicole Smith, the Grand Ole Opry and a group of professional cloggers. Discuss amongst yourselves. (via Lime-Light)

Do the Haka!

New Zealand rugby players perform the traditional Kiwi dance 'Haka' after they defeated England in the Singapore Seven Cup Final Rugby Union tournament. This is crazy, but crazy hot!

Baked With Love

Bukkake cookies...just like Grandma used to make. (via Boing Boing)

Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld have species of slime-mold beetles named after them. Should Condi feel slighted?

I'm presently having uninhibited out-of-body sex with Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Evans. You can, too!

Monkey Love

"Me Tarzan. You one very sexy ape." More innuendo at Unintentionally Sexual Comic Book Covers. (via Boing Boing)

Christ Is Coming. Look Busy.

Barbie had better clean up her act. A talking Jesus doll is arriving in stores in May. Push a button on the Savior's back and He'll recite up to 33 Biblical verses. Versions of Moses and the Virgin Mary are also being released at the same time. No word on accessories for these Bible characters, but I see a lucrative market for tiny plastic crowns of thorns and burning bushes in the near future.

Mind Your Metro Manners!

When Ms. Subways speaks, gay New Yorkers listen. (via Gawker)

Scout's Honor

Trust me. You don't want to know how these kids earned their badges.

Club Kid

You rarely see magical rainbows and leather-clad Vikings in the bars anymore. Those were the days. <sigh> (via WOW Report)

Southern Belle from Hell

Betty Butterfield goes to a gay church. Mama, is that you?

Pretty in Pink, Yellow, Orange, Red, Violet, Blue and Green

This is a crime against nature. But I think I love it!

Valley of the Dolls

RuPaul's friend took her new doll, her new single "Workout," his iMovie skillz, and a hit on the nearest crackpipe to create this homo-licious music video. He kind of loses me when the Michael Jackson doll shows up in a maid's uniform, but anything with both Debbie Reynolds and Audrey Hepburn scores high marks in my book. (via RuPaul)

iCopulate

Get kinky with your iPod. "Once the two iPods are joined the real fun begins. Using the easy to navigate menu system of your iCopulate™, you can transfer music from one iPod to the other; single tracks, albums, all songs, or even whole playlists. Since the iCopulate™ uses the dock connector for fast file transfers you can transfer several dozen tracks in less than 30 seconds. Now that's a quickie you can write home to mom about!"

Related: Google April Fool's Search

Would You Like Dressing With That?

Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan got doused with salad dressing while making an appearance last night at Western Michigan University. Poor Pat cut short his Q&A session with the audience saying, "Thank you all for coming, but I'm going to have to get my hair washed." This is a tasty new trend on college campuses across the nation. Bon appetit!

From today's Page Six: "Al Reynolds had a surprise Tuesday night for his beloved wife, Star Jones. The happy hubby showed up at actor Alan Cumming's reading of erotica at Duvet Tuesday evening, checked out the room and made a beeline for the gift bags, to which he helped himself. We can only imagine what the newlyweds did when he got home with his swag, which included a pair of furry handcuffs, a whip and a bottle of Svedka vodka. Reynolds' rep did not return calls." I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Bombs Away

Netdisaster allows you to unleash your fury on the Internets. Simply type in the address of a site worthy of annihilation, choose your weapon (meteors, bombs, floods and much more), and enjoy. See you in hell, Fred.

• Small bunny. Big chocolate.
• Peeps Show.
• Gym bunny.
• Holy Peep!
• Brown Bunny.
• Hobbit peeps.
• Dead bunny.

HAPPY EASTER!

The Other White Meat

"Packed with protein, juicy pork makes moms the star of the day." I bet it does. (via Jockohomo)

Clean House Remix

Cillit bang!: the 2005 gay dance anthem for homosexual neat freaks the world over.

• Gwen takes on Russia, minus the Harajuku girls.
• Get your hair did, Victorian style.
• Note to self: find job at Pixar.
• Until then, I'll play a game or two.
• Kylie puts the show in showgirl. (via Trent)
• Fat teen boys, unite!
• Child models of the damned.
• Man's best friend in pillow form.
• Lots o' latte.
• Feeling like a failure yet?
• Wes Anderson, from water to more water. (via Golden Fiddle)
• Hazard cards—I'll trade your Chernobyl for my Challenger.
• Fighting evil with steam?!
• Fun with duct tape.

Male Order Catalog

As kids in a small Texas town, a real treat for me and my brother was the arrival of a new Sears catalog. Of course, the initial reason we leafed through the 1,000+ page tome to all things polyester was to find cheap plastic toys. As I grew older, the men's underwear section garnered more of my attention. I could stare at scandalous photos of airbrushed crotches for hours. Timmy Ray, the budding homosexual, had found a gay pornucopia to enjoy. This brought back memories of those not-so-innocent days, with scanned pages from an old Sears catalog of hot men posing in their undies. Check out the entire site—it's simply brilliant with great commentary under each photo. (via Metafilter)

More than 500 people attend San Diego funeral of gay man refused Catholic service
Bishop Robert H. Brom had directed parishes throughout the area not to conduct the funeral of John McCusker, who owned two gay bars, for fear of "public scandal." Many who came to the service did not know the deceased, but were there to support the family. A meeting will be held on Monday in San Diego to discuss an appropriate community response to the bishop's actions.

Proposal requires Georgia high school students to seek parental permission before joining a club
The rule being considered by the Board of Education does not specifically target gay clubs, but Georgia lawmakers have requested it to crush homosexual support groups in the state's high schools. Opponents say that the rule would force students to come out to their parents prior to joining a "controversial" gay organization.

Tony Blair predicts Britain could have openly gay prime minister
In an interview in Attitude magazine, Blair said, "Personally, I don't think people would reject a prime minister simply on the basis that he was gay. But there is more likely to be prejudice on the right than the left." He added, "...we have plenty of gay ministers just below cabinet level."

Drunk college football player with gay sheep pulled over by cops for speeding
Last week, Oregon State defensive tackle Ben Siegert was charged with a DUI.  More interestingly police found a ram in the bed of his pickup truck that had been stolen from the university's Sheep Center. The 200-pound farm animal was part of a study on homosexuality in sheep. Siegert said he had nothing to do with the ram, but officials believe he may have been "too intoxicated to remember." The embarrassed sophomore responded, "I don't know anything about that. I'm from a city. I don't know anything about sheep." I completely understand, Ben. That's happened to me many a time, except it was with a goat—and I wasn't drunk.

Rice Queen

Condi has finally found a man she can love.

• Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon + Something About Mary = Kung Fu Hustle
• I sense a disturbance in the Force. Do you?
• Slurp. Slurp. Slurp. Get your mind out of the gutter.
• Blinking nun and her fist of rage.
• Synchronized aerobics music video. Or something like that from LeTigre.
• Romanian street art.
• Napoleon Dynamite sidekick Pedro lived here. It's yours for $105,000.
• Dr. Seuss's dark side.
• Weiner for hire.
• A tribute to a toasted Dame Edna.

• More Flickr fun: pick a color, any color.
• From here to Bollywood. Unintentionally hip LP covers.
• At least she didn't wear white.
• Howard Dean—Democratic Savior?
• Time machine for sale. Instruction booklet not included.
• Bad news—this movie isn't about hairy, overweight gay men.
• Spandex nightmare alert: The Tron Guy takes on General Xinchub. Who?!
• It's a Bird. It's a plane. It's The Incredibles.
• Billy Crudup's latest: a priceless MasterCard commercial.
• Artist Damien Hirst minus the pickled sharks.

"Don't blame me for growing, Spider-Man. I'm aroused!"

Desperate Housewives hottie Jesse Metcalfe got Punk'd! In Sunday's episode, he donned silver tights to audition for a "ladies' man" lizard villain role in the upcoming Spider-Man movie. His main line was "Don't blame me for growing, Spider-Man. I'm aroused," which Jesse recited over and over and over again while suspended in mid-air. <snicker, snicker> Unfortunately there was no visible sign of arousal, but you have to love his earnestness and dedication to the acting craft (among other things). Check out the video.

Good Girl Gone Bad

Towleroad pointed out earlier today a great Fark "Fun With Photoshop" forum that asks readers to explain why our beloved Condoleezza Rice looks so pissed off in a picture (admit it—even her smiles are forced!). One of the posts manipulated a photo from my favorite movie, The Bad Seed, to fantastic effect. Who knew that evil ice princess Rhoda Penmark could grow up to be Secretary of State?

May I Have This Dance?

First, it was golf. Now, it's basketball. If this keeps up, I may have to take back everything bad I've ever said about sports.

Lost in New York

IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS WOMAN PLEASE EMAIL
LOSTBOMBSQUAD@HOTMAIL.COM

Burger Queen

David LaChapelle goes from the award-winning Krumped to a psychedelic, homo-friendly Burger King commercial, starring Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish fame, model Brooke Burke, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, giant chickens, cheddar cheese-paved roads and floating bacon strips. It's all very Pee Wee's Playhouse—in fact, Hootie must be channeling Cowboy Curtis (pre-The Matrix Laurence Fishburne). Enjoy!

A Hole in One

I didn't know golf was so much fun.

This Weekly World News article made me giggle like a little school girl. I have "homosexualized" it for your deviant reading pleasure:

Hey Guys! Red Alert! HOW YOUR DATE EATS A HOT DOG REVEALS HOW GOOD [HE] IS IN BED!

HEY, GUYS! You can find out how good your date is in bed if you buy [him] a hot dog and watch how [he] eats it, say an expert.

"A frankfurter obviously resembles the male sex organ—and whether they're conscious of it or not, [men] respond to that in a number of ways," says famed sexologist Dr. Marcia Kenwood, of Boston, Mass.

Here, from Dr. Kenwood, are three common "hot dog eating behaviors" followed by comments.

1. Your date picks at and nibbles [his] dog.
"Not a good sign if you're looking forward to a lusty round of adventurous sex," says Kenwood. "[Men] who pick and nibble are afraid to take chances or try anything new."

2. Your date snatches the dog off its bun, wags it in the air and then swallows it whole.
"This isn't a [man] for older gentlemen or guys with weak hearts," says Kenwood.

3. Your date puzzles over [his] hot dog, and then puts it back down on [his] plate.
"Sounds like you're out with a [heterosexual]," says Kenwood. "Better luck next time."

Every Sunday morning, I wake up early and attend services at the Church of the Poison Mind. Today's sermon comes directly from Suzanne Hinn, the wife of televangelist Benny Hinn: "If your engine is not revvin' up, you know what you need? You need a Holy Ghost enema...right up your rear end! Because God won't tolerate...he will not tolerate anything else." Can I get an "Amen!" on that one, sisters? (via Lady Bunny)

All Hail Caesar

Surely to top every Republican's wish list is a bronze bust of our beloved Commander-in-Chief. It's a steal at a reduced price of $1,995. Weapons of mass destruction sold separately.

Holy Homosexuality, Batman!

More comic book homo-fabulousity for a Friday afternoon. Jimmy Olsen is a tranny! Wonder Woman likes it rough! And all of Gotham City is laughing at The Joker's erection. (via Boing Boing)